Bowels, rain, and chest colds…

Have you ever noticed that there is a direct correlation between how badly one is in need of a toilet, and the inopportunity of the moment of need? For instance, one can be brushing one’s teeth in one’s own bathroom and have no need to secrete any waste. But the second one finds himself, say, on top of a roof in the rain, all of a sudden one’s bowels and bladder decide its time to go into overdrive, generally at the same time.

This, by mere happenstance, is the situation in which I found myself today. Did I mention it was raining? Rather miserable experience, being on a roof in the rain. Why, you ask, was I in just such a predicament? Well, I’m a roofer, you see. I apply rooves. To peoples homes. In the rain, sometimes. That’s my day job, anyway. By night I’m a pizza delivery expert.

Anyway, this wasn’t a hard rain, but a steady drizzle, the kind which leaves one with no choice but to stay on the roof and work. Of course it was also cold and windy, which forced me to divide my irritation into thirds. If you could have peered into my mind this afternoon, past the clutter, disorganized file cabinets, maps, movie clips, and wastebasket full of irrelevant comments and bad puns, this is a sampling of what you might have read scrolling across the typewriter that sits upon my mind’s dusty desk:

“Golly, I wish the wind would stop. It drives this steady drizzle of rain straight up my shirt. Come to think of it, if the rain would stop drizzling, my fingers probably wouldn’t be so cold. Speaking of the cold, this breeze sure isn’t making me any warmer. Add in the steady drizzle, and you’ve got one helluva bad afternoon…”

I could go on, but I’m sure most of you get the gist of my mental process. So there I was, rather peeved about all the rainy, wetty, coldy business, when suddenly…there was a tremor. No, not an earthquake, this particular tremor came from the region of my body which was covered by diapers for the first three years of my life. Being rather too old for diapers at my present age, I found myself rather unprepared. The logical thing to do, I concluded, was to get to a safe area where my sudden discomfort might be relieved.

Now, for those of you who do not find yourselves lucky enough to apply rooves to people’s houses in the rain in November, let me explain something. On a sunny, still day in september, navigating a roof is like navigating a garden path. A twist here, a turn there, and you’re where you want to be. Navigating a roof on a wet, windy, cold november day, however, is like trying to sprint down Mt. Everest with your boot laces tied together. Needless to say I nearly died several times.

Oh yes, and I have a nasty chest cold. So, naturally, halfway down the roof, I started into a coughing fit, which did not help matters. By the time I was down the ladder and on solid ground, I had coughed up 3/4 of a lung, a half pint of phlegm, and nearly released by bowel movement. I rushed to the toilet with the agility of a walrus, arriving just in time.

It just occurred to me that you, dear reader, might not be interested in hearing about my bowel movements, viral infections and bladder control issues. I apologize. If you have soldiered on through  this much of my blog posting, I thank you kindly, and you have my solemn vow that I will not speak of this subject again for a rather longish time.

The path to the toilet is fraught with difficulties




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: